The “chicken bone” incident.

Because it is, in fact, a “chicken bone” incident, with the quote commas. I swallowed a chicken bone yesterday night (or so I thought) and then cue panicking, cue google for ways to solve chicken bone problem, cue swallowing rice balls, cue swallowing bread and cue panicking on twitter and asking help from a cousin. I also sort-of-not-really promised myself that if I survive this weirdness I’d go vegan. (HA. HA. HA. Because I was panicking at that time.) I’m sure all of you had this certain point of time in your life where you thought you’d swallowed a bone and it’s stuck in your throat, but in the end it’s nothing more than a figment of your imagination. So naturally  I thought I was imagining it too, because these things don’t happen to us, they happen to random people that are not ourselves people that we read on the news that swallowed foreign objects!

Got to the Sunway Medical center today, when the nurse announced my name I was grinning. Like the typical idiot. Which caused the nurse to stare at me like the grinning idiot I am. First the doctor sprayed some anaesthetic up both my nostrils, then he stuffed this thin tube up my nose down my throat. And there was something green on the screen. A sliver of green thingie thing. Reaction #1: *relieve* So there is a chicken bone in my throat. Reaction #2: *horror* Why the fuck is it green? Kind doctor just “hmm” and “oh definitely something stuck there” and told me to wait outside while he prepared some bigger tube to extract it.

-and during this time I tweeted this, to those of you asking how I had time to tweet- I know, it’s all so bloody stupid like I’m sucked into the online social world and stupid bimbo girl tweeting all the time. I know, I know.

The nurse carried a big steel case bag into the Doc’s room. My pa went “They’re gonna cut your throat open girl!” Cue my nervous laughter.

I wish I could say I was the cool calm relaxed person “no biggie, it’s just something in my throat and a tube with a camera and light is going down my throat, no biggie” but instead I was the “I’m too nervous to move right now so I’ll just stare blankly at the right corner of the ceiling and OH don’t forget to look at the computer screen to see your throat! It’s a once in a lifetime experience! Despite there being a tentacle-like tube in your nose!” Staring at the screen gave me something to focus on. Despite tentacle tube up my nose (and the pressure! Of that tube! BLAAARRGH!) I was quite fascinated with how the live camera showed my throat, going down and down and down like a burrowing worm… and then I swallowed, my throat closed *pitch black* Doc exclaimed “don’t move don’t move”. It was like a tunnel of flesh, or being in an earthworm’s body! The pincer thing on the tube’s end tried to pluck Foreign Body from my throat. Failed. Tried. Failed. Tried, I felt a flesh clipping sensation, and whoopdedoo, Foreign Body followed Tentacle up my throat through my nose out of my body.

The nurse presented Foreign Body to me like the holy grail on a fluffy cushion:

Hello there, chicken bone who is not a chicken bone.

And I did, I treated it like the holy grail on a cushion, though I tried not to show it. God knows how many of excited patients them nurses see when something gets extracted from their patient’s throat.

It’s green. It’s not a chicken bone. It’s a bloody vegetable stalk fibre thing. HAH so much for the ” if I survive this weirdness I’d go vegan”. Stupid stupid thing that got stuck in my throat. I’m frustrated at myself so much, I want to step on 5 lizards. A vegetable! Hah! I cannot even bear to think of what this whole consultation cost. My family had the same reaction. Whelp.

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